Nursing homes, adult foster homes, and assisted living arrangements are the public face of long term care for the elderly. In the real world, however, most long term care is performed by families. When there are siblings charged with taking care of a parent the duty usually falls upon the eldest daughter. This is statistically true across cultures and across generations. It is true even when a younger daughter or a son might be the more qualified care giver, a fact that often leads to strife among the siblings. In my own family, I have seen a younger daughter chafe under the injustice of seeing her parent and the other children all looking to the older sister for leadership regarding care issues, ignoring the superior capabilities of the younger. It isn't fair, and it isn't likely to change.
More often than not it is the oldest daughter who comes to me to say that the family can no longer handle the pressures of providing long term care. The crises is often the direct result of increasing levels of dementia in the elder--loss of cognitive ability that makes the elder increasingly incapable of cooperating in her own care. In these cases the daughter faces asking the court to appoint her conservator to take control of the parent's money and use it for the costs of professional long term care. When I explain the process for becoming a conservator, I must also explain the curse of the dutiful daughter.
It is not unusual, I explain, that the one person willing to stand up and protect the elder ends up hated by everybody. A court proceeding is public, intrusive and embarrassing for the elder. The dutiful daughter--the only member of the family willing to step up and do the right thing--ends up hated by the parent because he or she cannot see through the fog of dementia that the proceeding is meant to help. Other family members turn on the dutiful daughter as they see the parent's money being locked away to be used only for the long term care needs of the elder. Family members who have been using that money as if it were their own will not be above holding a grudge against the person responsible for bringing the gravy train to a stop.
Relatives, whether or not they be dutiful oldest daughters, seldom refuse to proceed with court action out of fear of the curse, but it is important that they be steeled for it before we sign the papers.
Relatives, whether or not they be dutiful oldest daughters, seldom refuse to proceed with court action out of fear of the curse, but it is important that they be steeled for it before we sign the papers.
It is not unusual, I explain, that the one person willing to stand up and protect the elder ends up hated by everybody. A court proceeding is public, intrusive and embarrassing for the elder. The dutiful daughter--the only member of the family willing to step up and do the right thing--ends up hated by the parent because he or she cannot see through the fog of dementia that the proceeding is meant to help. Other family members turn on the dutiful daughter as they see the parent's money being locked away to be used only for the long term care needs of the elder. Family members who have been using that money as if it were their own will not be above holding a grudge against the person responsible for bringing the gravy train to a stop.
ReplyDeleteIn your own words, this is what the case is about. The worst case scenario of Elder Abuse by a younger daughter and her son who used her old-Lawyer/client-John as in prostitution to use fear-induced manipulation to get mom to sign a Durable Power of Attorney and abscond with close to 1 million dollars, timber worth 100,000 profit readied by cruisers to cut and not replant but sell the 20 acres and move money offshore while admitting to get ready to put mom on welfare/careOregon so siter can sell all assets including 100,00 in Certificates of Deposits that has been distributed annually in part as gifts by Undue-influence. Father was early death by beatings and submission to have this attorney aide or join in the swindle to make father think there was no one to trust from his natural bounty. Mom has been severly coerced and cannot discern between what is evil-good. She can fool a simple "visitor." She has psychotic moments that we protected her. She refused to leave the home for over 20 years. I choose a conservator and was open for the position but thought better of it. I would be her guardian as I had always been until the sister Isolated and fear-induced brainwashing.
Sister has already under Durable Power of Attorney has judgements against her, liens, and criminal activity including sisters husband in Sheridan prison for drug Trafficking. This sister has already handed a document for mom to sign that is Perjury given to the courts. Sister has kept her signature off any document committing Perjury (not quite all). She did place Mom is Harm's Way. My sister believes she can multiply the assets by buying and selling hard drugs. She has committed Bribery and promise of money to me and those to form a posse in court appearing trustworthy. My other sister and I would like to meet you at your earliest convenience later in the day. e have some interesting documents in order. I have used your template and answered your key questions in this matter and it fits like a Bally leather shoe.
Relatives, whether or not they be dutiful oldest daughters, seldom refuse to proceed with court action out of fear of the curse, but it is important that they be steeled for it before we sign the papers.
Orin Onken
ReplyDeletePlease reply to elizabethtrent@live.com to the above Dutiful Daughter by you and my inserted commets